I am having second thoughts.
I am so confused. I have been so sure that I want to convert to Judaism for so long. Now, I'm kind of scared. It's not the faith itself that is scary to me. I love Judaism. I love the tradition, the language, the beliefs. But, I am afraid. I am afraid of the people. I've been reading forums on the internet that have to do with conversion. People don't seem extremely welcoming to converts. I don't want an ugly stigma following me around for the rest of my life. I don't want people to think that somehow I don't really count because I'm a convert. My conversion should be mine. It should be about my journey and me finding my way. It should be about my relationship with G-d. But instead, I fear, it will be about other people always deciding whether I am enough of a Jew. I just don't know.
Anyway, I have decided that I will observe the fast of Tisha B'Av. I am not giving up on this; I'm just confused. |
